Malik's New Job
by Ice Dragon Tamer
Summary: Malik's got himself a job - as a bus driver! Oh jeez, now you KNOW there's something wrong with the world. Warning: crude humor and swearing. Please R&R!


**Title: **Malik's New Job  
**Summary: **Malik's got himself a job – as a bus driver?! Oh jeez, now you know something's wrong with the world! Please R&R!

_A/N: Okay, here's a new fic staring our favourite Psychotic Yami, Malik! This is a parody of Weird Al Yankovic's Evil Barney Bus Driver. Enjoy!_

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Malik Ishtar, yami-slash-"guardian" of Marik Ishtar, yawned tiredly. He had gotten up earlier than he usually did every morning. Why may you ask? Well, that is because Malik had gotten himself a job.  
  
Yes, finally, the psychotic Egyptian spirit had gotten himself a job after months after his "better" and "good" half, Marik, yelling at him that he couldn't just sleep the day away. Marik would yell at his supposed guardian that he needed to get out more and do something while he was at school.  
  
Malik grinned to himself as he remembered looking through the want ads in the Domino Guardian, the local newspaper, for the "perfect" job. The perfect job, in his eyes, was a job where he could sit on his ass all day, but go places at the same time. The solution? A job that involved driving places. And the perfect opportunity – well the only one – was in the newspaper as a bus driver.  
  
With that mind set about being a bus driver, Malik applied and went for an interview. He had gone in as a psychotic, yet bored Yami, and came out of the interview as a psychotic, yet bored bus driving Yami. Yes, that's right. He had gotten the job as being a bus driver. The employer was a little hesitant to hire Malik, but with a bit of . . . persuasion, Malik had gotten himself the job.  
  
Oh jeez, can't you just hear the pain-filled screams and the screams of terror that sound throughout that big yellow bus?  
  
Watch out people! Better start writing up your wills if you are one of those unlucky students that attend Domino High who take the bus.  
  
Well, who knows? Maybe Malik will be good at this and won't have to send anyone to the Shadow Realm. But, we can all dream, can't we?  
  
So, anyway, back to the story. Grabbing the keys that the employer (which Malik had kindly nicknamed Mr. Mind slave dude) had given to Malik, the crazy blonde left the house he "shared" with Marik and Ishizu (even though Malik as if he owned the house), humming happily.  
  
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16 year old, Yugi Motou stood with his four best friends: Joey Wheeler, Tristan Taylor, Tea Gardener and Ryou Bakura.  
  
If you care for their lives, you must understand why they are waiting for the bus. They normally walked to school, but they had all decided they felt like taking the bus (that, and ever since Yugi won the Battle City tournament, walking to school meant getting mobbed by fans).  
  
Too bad they're so young and can't foresee of this tragic, err, happy event of Malik being their bus driver.  
  
Run, Yu-Gi-Oh gang, run!! Run while you can!  
  
Enough of my interruptions, ne?  
  
So, anyway, they were waiting for the bus, until Seto Kaiba walked up to them, growling.  
  
He glared at the group, sending the if-you-care-for-your-life-you-won't-question-me-being-here look. The group shrunk back in fear. Wow, if looks could kill. . .  
  
Anywho, Bakura decided it was the perfect time to faze out of his Millennium Ring, as did Yami, who had fazed out of the Millennium Puzzle, just as the bus came around the corner, speeding like the world was going to blow up or something.  
  
"What's with the freaky driving skills?" Bakura asked Ryou, who just shrugged.  
  
The bus came to a loud screech in front of the gang, and after a moment, the bus doors opened, revealing the psychotic blonde known as Malik.  
  
Everyone sweatdropped, but Malik who just grinned at the group.  
  
"Hey kids, it's your pal Malik! And guess who's going to be your new bus driver? Oh me!"  
  
Everyone sweatdropped and shook their heads.  
  
No way, this couldn't be happening. Malik, the Yami of Marik Ishtar, had become their bus driver? How, in the seven regions of hell, did that work out?!  
  
Malik's eye twitched as everyone booed him.   
  
"Come on kiddies, hop on!" It began to twitch even more as he waited for everyone to climb on the bus.  
  
Noticing this, the group climbed the bus, scared out of their minds. Everyone retreated to the back of the bus, except Bakura, who stopped at Malik's side, and raised an eyebrow. Malik raised an eyebrow back at Bakura.  
  
Bakura smirked. "Here Malik, I brought you a little something because I hate you."  
  
With that said, Bakura raised his fist and slammed it into the side of Malik's head. Malik growled. "That's sweet Bakura, but you know I'll kill you."  
  
And just like that, Malik smirked and punched Bakura back.  
  
Ryou shook his head and waved for Bakura to sit back down, instead of starting a fight. Bakura growled and retreated to the back of the bus, sitting down in front of Ryou.  
  
"Now sit down and shut up kids unless you want the rod shoved up your ass." Malik said, closing the door of the bus, and beginning to speed up, driving towards school.  
  
Everyone stayed silent, until Malik looked in the rear-view mirror and saw Bakura fiddling around with a dagger.  
  
"Hey, wait a minute. Are you playing with weapons back there Bakura?"  
  
Bakura raised his head. "Yeah, what's it to you?"  
  
"Well, I hope you brought enough for the whole school bus. Come on, pass them around."  
  
Bakura growled, but sadly passed away Faithful, his dagger, to Ryou, who sweatdropped and passed it to Yugi.  
  
"But Yami, my grandpa says playing with weapons is bad for you."  
  
Answering for Yami, Malik spoke up with a smirk. "Oh, believe me Yugi; I've seen your grandpa play with a lot worse than weapons."  
  
Eww, Malik, no one needs to know _that_!  
  
Malik, bored out of his mind, pulled out his deck of cards and attempted to look at them while driving. Tea noticed this and spoke up.  
  
"Hey Malik, you're not supposed to look at your cards and drive. I'm telling!"  
  
Malik looked up from his cards and stopped the bus, coming to a screeching halt. "Come here Tea. Malik has a secret to tell you."  
  
Everyone else at the back of the bus, except Kaiba who was off in his own little world, looked at Tea, motioning for her to go up to the front of the bus. Tea shuddered, and slowly walked up to Malik, who by this time, was saying, "Closer, close."  
  
Without warning, Malik stood up from the driver's seat and kicked his foot into the back of Tea's head. Tea began to howl in pain.  
  
"Unless you want the next picture your mommy and daddy to see of you to be on the back of a milk carton, I'd keep that friendship-speaking mouth of yours shut."  
  
Still whimpering in pain, Tea walked back to her seat, and sat down, clutching her head.  
  
"Hey kids," Malik said. "Tea just told me all you want to be friends with Kaiba, Weevil and Rex!"  
  
Joey finally spoke up, growling. "She didn't?!"  
  
"Did she?"  
  
"Come on, get her guys, come on!"  
  
As everyone began to beat the crap out of Tea (minus Ryou and Yugi, of course), Malik laughed. "See Tea? Screw with Malik!"  
  
It was then Tristan looked up from beating Tea. "Hey Malik, this isn't the way to school."  
  
"Malik has to make a little stop first. Oh boy, oh boy." Malik said, stopping the bus in front of Pegasus, who was, disturbingly enough, dressed up in a complete gangster outfit: the baggy pants, the glasses, the do-rag, everything. Eww, scary mental picture.  
  
"You dude, what you need?" Pegasus asked, trying to act like a gangster, scaring the hell out of everyone on the bus.  
  
"I need a twenty-piece, and don't gank me on the count this time, or I'll bust a cap in your ass." Malik snapped, watching Pegasus count out twenty-rare duelling cards.  
  
Realizing he didn't have enough money, he turned and faced all the other, now petrified and probably wishing they were dead, students. "Come on kids, give me your lunch money. Don't hold out or I'll make you pay."  
  
Groaning, and knowing they would probably be on a one-way trip to either death or the Shadow Realm, the gang, except for Tea, passed up their money.  
  
Meanwhile, Tea shyly walked up to the psychotic blonde who was drumming his fingers on the steering wheel impatiently, while saying, "Come on. No one rides for free."  
  
"But Malik, I don't have any money." Tea piped up, shaking, knowing he would've found out either way.  
  
"Oh, that's okay Tea. I think I see a nice shiny quarter right outside the door. Go get it, go get it."  
  
Tea, now fearing for her life like all the others, walked outside, Malik following. There, Malik happily pointed. . .  
  
and waved his Millennium Rod, which he had smartly brought with him. . .  
  
and banished Tea to the Shadow Realm.  
  
Malik climbed back onto the bus, smiling like Christmas had come early, which was scaring the now traumatized students even more, who had already decided they would probably need major counselling after this.  
  
"Bye bye!" Malik called to Tea's body, as he drove off towards Domino High. On the way, Malik began to sing. . .  
  
Oh no, not more torture!  
  
"I drive the kids' bus to school, but first let's stop to shoot some pool. I'll torture the kids and look at my cards while taking them to class,"  
  
Turning to face the others, who shrunk back in their seats, he finished off the song, "and if you tell, I'll kick your ass."  
  
Reaching the school a few moments later, Yugi, Ryou, Tristan, Joey, Bakura and Yami all climbed off the bus shaking. What could they say? They were freaking scared out of their minds! Kaiba, who had been unaffected the whole time, walked calmly towards the school.  
  
Malik grinned and waved to his passengers. "Oh, see you tomorrow kids!"  
  
Waving happily once more, Malik drove off into the horizon.  
  
Wow, it had been an adventure – a traumatizing adventure, mind you, but still an adventure. Sighing, the gang walked into the school, glad they wouldn't have to go through that again until later that afternoon.


End file.
